turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
