I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
