i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
