On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
And then my night got REAL pukey
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
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