Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
