Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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