I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
