My liver just broke up with me...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
