do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
