Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
