You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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