Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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