Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
