Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
