You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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