just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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