i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
