My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
