This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
