we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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