i don't like sucking hair
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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