i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
