I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
