nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
