I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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