im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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