Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
