bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
