So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
