No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
