wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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