I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The feeling are messing with the penis
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
