I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
