I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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