I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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