take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
