drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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