I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
