Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
