I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
