I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
