Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
