Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
