be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
