After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
