Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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