As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
