I accidentally burped into my bong.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
