my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
