tell your sister to shave her snatch
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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