whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
