ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
