if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
