Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
