i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
