I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
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