i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Boobs are out for the taking
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize