It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize