this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
