my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He? As in you personified your dick?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
