I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
