I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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