Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize