My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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