Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
