I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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