now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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