When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
