Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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