Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
we should paint friendship bongs
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